It's good to keep an eye on your enemies, and it was with that in mind that I sullied myself perusing The Guardian, where I stumbled across this little gem in the Lifestyle section - the place to go if you have money to burn and an emptiness in your soul that needs filling with the finest quality Larp.
It tells the story of a bunch of awful white supremacists who have rejected the urban diversity and fantastic range of three-in-one kebab, fried chicken and pizza shops to live "off-grid", or should that be "off-groid" doing traditional stuff like chopping wood and growing carrots with their blond-haired, blue-eyed children. Pure evil. How could they?
Well, it turns out that it's all ok, and there's no need to start hyperventilating about fascist ethno-villages because it turns out that these people are, in fact, insufferable, upper-middle-class leftists. These are the sort of people who are wealthy enough to dip in and out of different lifestyles like Mr Benn. It turns out that if you're the right sort of person, and dress up your flight from the urban dystopia with "green" buzz-words, you can expect favourable coverage from The Guardian.
“When I came here from Brighton I was surprised by how loud it was,” says Meg Willoughby, 28, a resident of Tinkers Bubble."
We can't draw any conclusions about class and worldview simply from the fact she comes from Brighton, can we? Of course we can, and we will. Already I'm thinking "cunt". A pattern is about to emerge.
"Off-grid discussion groups, meanwhile, bristle with aspirant woodland smallholders looking for land and community members. They include Agatha B, 30, an accountant from Surrey who is buying a pocket of woodland in Wiltshire in the hope of setting up a residential medieval farm."
Agatha is an accountant from Surrey. Noted. All this talk of Celtic traditions and fairies seems a bit Fascist to me.
Alex Goodytooviews is at pains to tell us he is "non-binary". Strange, because he looks like a bearded man who lives with a woman. He came here after a stint larping as a Buddhist in Scotland. His missus comes from "a family of leftist smallholders" and also lived in Brighton. Imagine my shock.
Jenny Pickerill, who has a degree in Larp from the University of Sheffield says "something something, hippies testing radical ways of living."
Based as hell. I am the Green Man, and I hereby claim my five digital pounds.
"Baker works 20 hours a week at Brithdir, and also part-time at a Steiner school."
LOL, a Steiner School. Of course.
How I despise these people.
"Simeon Warburton, 62, has lived at Landmatters since 2012. A musician, he arrived at the 14-strong permaculture community after leaving London to raise his family on the road and in alternative communities. In 2005, Simeon and his wife, Miranda, 54, set off with their son Izzy, five, and daughter Kuki, two, for what they call their years of “road schooling”
FFS Simeon, Miranda, Izzy and Kuki. Is that my case made, or is there more?
"Simeon and Miranda make wooden totems from their timber and run a solar-powered recording studio at the site. Izzy, 23, and Kuki, 20, live between Landmatters and city lives: Kuki is a tree surgeon and yoga teacher; Izzy is a blacksmith and record producer."
Just fuck off you bunch of twats. It must be nice to inhabit a fantasy world, living amongst the trees far from the mandem crowd, and tell yourself it's all about sustainability while supporting the Globalist policies that are creating the awful, unsustainable conditions you're desperate to escape from. Of course, they also nip back to a likely nice white enclave in the city when they need a latte.
On a different but related note, I watched a documentary recently about a couple of toff mountain climbers and I had similar feelings of envy and anger. How wonderful it must be to not have to live amongst the filth of modernity, and concern yourself with matters like which route you're going to take up the north face of the Eiger.
How the other half live, eh?
Of course, I could make the argument that these people are actually embodying the European spirit of innovation and adventure that we so admire, but I'm not going to do that. I'd much rather shit on them from a great height.
Right, I'm off to start my own version of Orania in the New Forest, and if any journalists come knocking, I'll just start talking about low-impact, sustainable, non-binary carbon footprints. Or something.
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