I've always been a fussy eater. This should be hardly surprising when you consider that back in the late seventies when my relationship with food was just beginning, British cuisine was sorely lacking. In those days Prawn-Cocktail and Spaghetti Bolognaise were considered exotic and sophisticated. We didn't even have proper sausages at that time. I remember being severely put off by those Wall's ones which contained a piece of gristle in every bite. I mean, what the devil is gristle anyway? I still don't know to this day and shudder to think. "It's just some gristle" my mother would tell me. The things that woman put me through, I still haven't forgiven her for blinding me weekly with Vosene, a substance the use of which I believe is now banned under the Geneva Convention.
But what offended me most, and what sticks in my memory as being utterly foul though I refused to taste it, was my parent's insistence on cooking and, unbelievably, actually eating the monstrous dish known as liver and bacon.
For a start, it looks like shit served on a bed of fried onions resembling worms. But to cap it off the smell, which my dad was presumably trying to mask with copious amounts of Worcestershire Sauce, was indescribably bad. How could anyone be eating such a foul dish over twenty years since the end of rationing, did we still need to consume something so offal and how could British tastes have remained in a time warp for so long?
There was recently on the blog some discussion of "traditional" British foodstuffs tucked in between heated debates about Red Sea Pedestrians, the Russia Question, and Operation Barbarossa, which was what got me thinking about the subject and the utter tripe (sometimes literally) our recent ancestors used to eat. Let's have a look at some of that repulsive shit.
Steak and Kidney Pie
Why would you spoil a nice steak pie by putting offal in it?
Black Pudding
Congealed pig's blood. Seems like something the Masai would love.
Winkles etc
We laugh at the French for eating snails and then we do this. At least the French have the decency to knock up a sauce to conceal the offence.
Pie, Mash and "liquor"
Ok, the pie and mash might be acceptable, but adding a sauce made from Eel juice is unforgivable.
Eels - jellied or otherwise
Slimy, briny, chewy water snake. Enough said.
Tripe
My dog can't get enough of the tripe-flavoured dog food, but that dirty bitch will even eat shit on occasion, so I'm ignoring her recommendation.
I'm leaving Haggis off the list only because we know the Scots are savages, that's a given.
I suppose being of a traditional persuasion, you might expect me to be tolerant of these disgusting foods, but in the words of Jordan Peterson "I just can't do it". It's not that I want to replace these items with a multicultural style "fabulous range of restaurants", I would simply rather we consign them to the sick bag of history. There's not a war on anymore, and I'm no more inclined to eat offal and molluscs than I am to eat bugs.
Regarding things that didn't quite make my list, I recall when I was a teenager, I worked on the deli counter in Sainsbury's. Every Saturday I would go home with the smell of cold meats lingering in my nostrils. How I longed to work in the bakery section next door with the smell of freshly baked bread made by some lovely lasses. On the deli counter, I was serving toothless old ladies buying Haslett or Tongue, or if they were feeling adventurous some Taramasalata, whoever she is. All of these things have largely been done away with now thank God.
One thing I do like about the modern world, apart from SatNav is that I can get a decent bit of pasta, I can buy proper fresh coffee instead of "instant" ground dirt, and I can obtain a vast range of bread, though we're still lacking in my area at least a decent patisserie or konditorei.
So did I miss anything from the list of delicacies? Have I committed some form of heresy? Throw your rotten veg in the comments.
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